[teacher] Are you ready?

Okay.

Alkin.

♪ Hello neighbor, what do you say?

♪ ♪ It's gonna be a very good day ♪ [woman 1] Belonging is when you feel safe, you feel nurtured, feelings that make children want to be at school.

[woman 2] The need to belong is universal, and unfortunately, rejection on some level is universal as well.

[soft instrumental music playing] [♪♪♪] I'm Amanda Harrist.

I'm a professor.

I study child development and why, why kids get rejected and ostracized.

I'm Adrienne Carter-Sowell, and I'm a professor in psychology.

Belonging is one of the, I guess, core elements of survival.

We're social by nature.

So if a child doesn't feel like he or she belongs in the classroom, especially in the early years like kindergarten and first grade, you're not gonna learn.

You know, a lot of learning in those early years is, is in the group, and it's through play.

The-- your parents' acceptance of you only goes so far.

There really is a time when you need to be accepted by peers.

[dramatic music playing] And that, that feeling of not fitting in and not belonging is something that is contagious and very hard to forget, and it follows, it follows those students from one situation to the next.

[♪♪♪] -[Kip] Hi.

Noella?

-[Noella] Hi, yes.

-Hi.

I'm Kip Williams.

-Hi.

We'll head down to the laboratory.

Okay.

And then I'll take you to a room with a computer in it.

There'll be instructions that will tell you what you're, what's gonna happen.

[Adrienne] We were able to put together a really accessible and simple video game.

[Kip] You're led to believe that there are people in other rooms that are playing the game with you.

[Adrienne] What you see in this simple game of toss is that an individual either is included or excluded.

[Kip] This is the participant's hand.

When he has the ball, then he can choose to whom to throw the ball.

And if I'm in the ostracism condition, at this point I will never get the ball again.

So the two players just start throwing with each other, and I'm left just waiting around and then finally realizing that I'm not gonna get the ball thrown to me.

Man, throw me the ball.

[sniffles] They don't want to pass it to me.

Here is a-- a young man who is playing Cyberball, and if you can see, he's just starting to notice that they're not throwing him the ball.

And the first response is that he thinks it's kind of funny.

He's-- They're-- they're playing with him a little bit.

But as soon as he starts to realize that they're not gonna throw the ball back to him, you can see this drastic shift from thinking it's funny to not thinking it's funny.

And in this case, it's signaled about right there.

And this point on, you don't see much in the way of smiling or anything, and you can see that he's uh, not happy, as was just shown by his gesture.

[♪♪♪] Astounding to me was recent research where they did brain scans of people who were experiencing physical pain versus an experience of rejection, and they really couldn't tell the difference between the brain scans, that your brain is processing ostracism just like physical pain.

And we've known this.

We say, "My heart is broken.

You hurt my feelings."

We use pain words, but to your brain, it is all pain.

When students feel rejected, then they start to think, -"I am not a good student."

-Mm.

And I think that the goal of having everyone be successful -in the classroom-- -Yeah.

Um, is not about um, how smart they are, but it's about they're smart enough to be a student here.

When people say, "Well, we need to focus on reading, writing, and arithmetic", if they-- They can't do that if they're in that state of social pain.

Having everyone understand that that pain is something that we all feel is really important to also having people care about how to resolve that pain.

[lighthearted music playing] Seeing all of these things, it's pretty amazing -what they've done.

-I know.

It-- -It's so good to be back.

-I know.

It's nice to have you here.

We've always known what needed to happen with children, but now the research is out about how the brain actually functions and how all of these things help kids learn.

I wish I would've learned it 32 years ago.

I'd gone to all the trainings.

I read the books.

But something powerful hit me, and it was when I read an article about Vivian Paley and the rule, you can't say you can't play.

I started that in my classroom of everyone accepting everyone, and you can't tell people they can't play.

It was like magical, and I thought, "Oh, my word, why haven't I been doing this?"

When you have students who are, um, who are doing things that are causing them to be ostracized or rejected, okay, maybe they're very, uh, hyperactive or they're bothering other people, what we've gotta look at is, are they doing that on purpose?

Those are the hardest ones.

Those are the ones you're gonna connect with first.

That's gonna be your cue.

If they knew better, they would do better, right?

And so we're really not gonna be able to teach 'em to do better until we help them to feel regulated, to feel belonging and acceptance, and to be able to um, to understand that they also have the power to participate and practice new skills.

We don't know where our kids come from every day, but what we do know is that we can create that safe, warm, sense of acceptance and belonging atmosphere in our classroom.

The problems disappear when everyone is a part of the classroom, when everyone is part of the family.

It's like connecting pieces to a puzzle, and the puzzle hasn't worked until all the pieces are connected.

[upbeat music playing] [♪♪♪] Remember, walking feet, walking feet.

[indistinct speech] Sit behind it, sit behind it.

[woman 3] The early childhood years must provide human beings, as they do all mammals, the way of getting to know how to survive with other human beings.

[laughing] [Vivian] The natural way for all mammals, of course, is play.

This is how you learn what kind of a person you want to be.

In other words, what's the score?

What's the deal?

How does it work?

How come some people lead the pack and others are left behind watching?

Well, play actually acts out all of this in other characters.

Animals, good guys, bad guys, babies, mommies, princesses, uh, monsters.

All the roles get acted out.

You have a chance to play every single role, or will, if no one rejects you from play.

[Ira] I want to tell you about an experiment done in a kindergarten classroo by a teacher named Vivian Paley.

And it was an experiment to make children less cruel to each other, and she got the idea for her experiment when one day it occurred to her how often she heard children in her classroom tell each other, "No.

No, there's no room here for you to play with us.

No, I promised I would play the next 16 games with someone else.

No, we're already playing.

You can't join in.

No, you cannot play with us."

[overlapping speech] [Ira] And it was the same children always who were made into the outcasts.

By kindergarten, Vivian Paley says, a ruling class starts to form among children.

Certain kids notify others of their acceptability, and certain kids are told they're unacceptable over, and over, and over again.

And she points out that hittin and name-calling are not allowed in school, but for some reason, this still is.

Rejection is being made into an outcast by one child, by many children by a teacher, by other parents.

It's being made into an outsider.

[girl] And for four people.

It says for four people.

Nah-uh.

You can't see our stuff.

Being rejected makes the young child sad, puzzled, very unsure of him or herself.

Come on, let's set our stuff so nobody see-- see it ever.

[Vivian] That sense of no one caring about us.

How can I give up my role in this and say, "Oh, well, they'll learn.

Give them a chance.

They'll grow up"?

The rule, you can't say you can't play, just popped into my head.

The idea you can't say you can't play is immediately accessible.

I realized, of course, that it was just another way of, um, introducing the golden rule.

[♪♪♪] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

[announcer] Please join me in a pledge to our Oklahoma flag.

I salute the flag of the State of Oklahoma.

Its symbols of peace unite all people.

For lunch today, we are having cheeseburger, turkey and noodles or salad, a choice of sweet potatoes, peaches, fruit, veggie bar, and milk.

I can't remember how many years ago, it was probably 10 years ago, I don't-- I really don't remember, I saw a magazine article about Vivian Paley's book, You Can't Say You Can't Play.

And I didn't read the book at the time, but the article was enough to make me want to embrace that.

I just thought, "She's absolutely right.

What a novel idea is that you teach children at 5 that you can't say you can't play."

Today's leader is uh, has um, sparkly clothes on.

[gasps] Oh.

[laugh] Yes.

Well, we have lots of girls -with sparkly clothes today.

-[squeals] [Terry] The children every year spend the first two weeks of school as a family making our classroom rules.

My rule is you can't say you can't play.

[overlapping speech] [Terry] And it's never a problem as far as we do the role playing, it doesn't just work immediately, but once they know what it really means, they buy off on that.

"Oh, okay.

We're gonna play with everybody."

It leaves me totally available to teach the children.

Socially, everyone's getting along, they're sharing, they're taking turns, and that doesn't come naturally.

We work at it.

Believe me, when they come to me, they don't come and just accept that rule.

There's a lot of role playing.

Sometimes when I say, "Do you wanna be my friend?"

them don't trust me, them just trying to um, them just joking me.

If they're ostracized, if they are made fun of, if they are left out, they can't learn in my room.

There-- there's no room for that.

They're feeling all those feelings and they will not come as far.

I believe that.

I've seen that.

[kid laughs] I don't think they know you want a turn, Justin.

[boy 1] I'm gonna go get my ninja suit on.

[girl 2] Let me on!

[boy 1] I'm a ninja.

[Terry] They're gonna learn to read, they're gonna learn to write, they'll learn their alphabet and their numbers, but we do lose these kids if we can't give them that sense of belonging, and security, and love that they so desperately need.

-[boy 2] Go, go!

-[whistle blows] [indistinct speech] [birds chirping] [Amanda] I saw Paley's book, You Can't Say You Can't Play.

I think her argument in the book, which I completely bought into, was it's okay to have rules in kindergarten.

We have rules about no hitting, no running, and you cannot physically hurt somebody.

She makes a compelling argument that what kids remember about kindergarten that was bad was when they were rejected, when nobody would play with them, when they were mistreated, when somebody called them a name, when somebody laughed at 'em.

They remember that more than episodes of physical aggression.

So she says if-- if-- if it hurts just as much or more to be em-- you know, emotionally targeted, why can't we have a rule against that?

Why not train the kids how to accept a child, even a child who's difficult and aggressive or looks different or talks different?

That was my kinda aha moment about why don't we intervene at the group level and try to improve the emotional climate of the classroom?

And then a child might have a better chance of integrating, learning from other kids, kinda calming down, being less aggressive or whatever their issue is.

I'm on my way to Will Rogers Elementary, uh, to visit Terry Varnell's class.

The way Stillwater's districted, it's a lot of kids from what we would probably call "high-risk families", kind of the lower income part of the-- of our little college town.

Some of the kids' parents have been in prison, and Terry is just incredible in working with the kids.

So I just love going in her class every time I can go to watch her do her magic.

She started out with, I think, 20 children, and over the course of this one year, 10 of them have moved away and she's gotten 10 new kids, and it's-- it's hard when you have a new child in the class.

And I know she does a great job at integrating the children.

[boy 3] Oh, hi.

[Terry] Now why don't you tell Miss Amanda?

-Thank you.

-Hey.

-Good morning.

-Oh, thank you.

-Good morning.

-[laughs] Good morning, Miss Amanda.

So I wanna talk today more about your rules, and there's one rule that's my favorite rule, and it's called, You Can't Say You Can't Play.

I put it on a really big poster, so you guys can put this up, but let's read it together.

-"You can't say you can't play."

-[Amanda] All right.

It's you have to let someone play.

You have to share and play with each other.

Can you play?

Yes.

If you don't be nice to each others, they'll get sad.

You know what?

If-- if they don't let you play, usually, then um, that means that makes you sad.

And if you ask a friend to help-- [Amanda] Mm.

A friend might help.

And then you would feel better, wouldn't you?

If there's um, one person there and um, you say-- And someone else uh, wants to play there, and you say, "No", and that'll make them sad.

It's a good rule, 'cause that makes other people feel good.

Some boys and girls sometimes ignore it and stuff, and I think it's a good rule without letting no one get sad and stuff.

Does anybody else wanna tell a time where they felt lonely -at school?

-Uh-huh.

A lot of people feel that way on the first day of school.

Some kids feel that way all year if they're in a class where other kids won't let 'em play.

[principal] I think the minute you walk into Will Rogers, you feel that community, and the safeness, and the welcoming.

I think another thing that's a real strength for Will Rogers is um, the diversity that we have.

Hey.

We started out with, I believe, around 26 different languages.

One of the things very easy to notice is children who come from other towns or buildings where this acceptance wasn't there, they were suspended constantly.

They were always the problem child.

Their way of dealing with it was kick them out of school.

Well, that is just not our goal.

We want them to be at school.

I just got a boy a few months ago from another school, and they said language was the problem, and he had come speaking Spanish.

And he had a new teacher and they-- he had some discipline problems.

[children playing] [Amanda] There's research that shows that teachers form prejudices against kids.

I mean, you know, they-- they form a-- a-- an image of a child as a troublemaker, so when something happens, this is the kid who gets blamed because they've gotten in trouble the first month of class.

Every time something went wrong, that child was involved.

Well, once that reputation's there, very hard to break.

One of the things people might not realize is the link between the social experience at school and the academic experience at school.

There's-- there's a lot of research that shows that children who are rejected have trouble meeting teachers' expectations in the classroom.

They have academic problems.

And actually, if you track kids over time, kids whose social status in the classroom improved, their academics goes up as well.

And so there's-- there's a link there.

There's also longitudinal data that kids who are rejected, um, early on are at risk of delinquency, um, failing a year in school, and that leads to all sorts of other problems, risk problems about not graduating from high school, getting in trouble with the law, adult criminality.

[children playing] Ai.

Okay.

[speaks Spanish] [engine starts] [♪♪♪] [children playing] Wow.

Make sure you don't hit anybody.

Sometimes I get the hard ones, the hardest ones, because I don't send my kids to the office.

We take care of the problems here.

So of course, they gave him to me.

And the first thing that we are in class and he's talking a lot like my other children.

There was no language problem.

Hey, Miss Varnell, uh, I got hurt.

-Oh, are you gonna live?

-Uh-huh.

I think so.

I don't see any blood.

No blood or guts.

And I'm saying, "Why is this little boy in my room?"

Well, come to find out he had spent every day in the principal's office, and he had been naughty and so that teacher thought that it was language that he didn't understand.

Well, he knew exactly what was going on in the room.

Miss Varnell, I forgot my big dog like this.

Oh my goodness.

And the minute he had some expectations and some boundaries, believe me, it was not pleasant for the first few weeks... [laughs] ...but when he knew it was serious and that this is the way it's gonna be and we'll get along, then he started embracing us and was included right away.

And he has never been a discipline problem.

He doesn't have a language problem.

[laughs] And he-- he's a joyful little boy.

Whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa.

Here, take this glue and put it on this.

We just have an incredible mix of kids here.

I have a Turkish-speaking boy that spoke no English when he came.

Yeah, stay put.

-No!

-[kid screams] They don't flutter around.

They just stay inside there.

You're-- hey!

[Terry] It's a challenge for the children to embrace a child who can't talk or grabs because they don't know what to say or what to do or s-- can't say, "I want that" or "Can I play with you?"

[indistinct chatter] Awesome job.

Whoa.

Alkin.

Remember, when the lights are out, we freeze.

Good job.

You come to school to learn, bottom line.

That means to the extent that you protect every child's potential for learning, the classroom is a moral place, I think.

[music playing in class] Let's find out if Aaron would like to be in the story.

-Oh.

-[laughs] [girl 3] Aaron's kinda different in this class.

Aaron is kinda different in this class?

[girl 2] He doesn't know he-- Aaron, can you be a different tree?

Let's change our story.

I had introduced you can't say you can't play.

Well, the reaction in the class was not very encouraging.

[gentle music playing] Out of a class of perhaps 25 that I had that year, maybe uh, four or five thought it was a good rule, and those were the children who were normally rejected.

So I got the idea to take my tape recorder and go through the lower school, ask the question, "Is this rule fair, you can't say you can't play?

Will it work?"

And as they got older and older in the grades, they said, "Yes, it is fair, but people aren't as fair as the rule is."

And will it work?

"No, we're too old and we're too mean for it to work, but if you start in nursery school, little children like rules.

If you start there, it could work."

I announced one day then... "The sign is going up now, You Can't Say You Can't Play."

You could discuss it.

You could talk about it.

You could argue for it, but push comes to shove, it was not gonna be permitted finally.

For most children... it was as if a great burden was taken off, the burden of not having to make the decision of who can play and who can't.

Okay, Hibba, you gotta get ready.

Come on, let's go.

Bye, guys.

-Hey.

-See you later.

See you.

Good luck with moving.

-[laughs] -Thank you.

Bye.

My name is Zeinab Mohamed, and uh, we have been here uh, in Stillwater for 23 years.

You wanna hop in?

My kids have been in Will Rogers for a long time, since my oldest one, who is now 18.

I feel the-- the school has created a sense of community and a sense of even the-- the diversity available in the-- in that school.

The kids feel like they belong somewhere, and I really feel that other schools don't have that sense, and that's why I actually kept my kids... [laughs] ...all of them, four of them, in that school.

Is there no one in the house?

Zain is supposed to.

You can say you can't play rule is-- creates a sense of community in the classroom and in the school.

If we start early on from kindergarten and pre-K to instill that rule in them, I think it will go a long way as they grow up.

Because if we start all the way to the top, there is no way to rectify the mindset in the older kids.

I think this is a lovely town and that's why I stayed for 23 years... [laughs] ...here.

[instrumental music playing] I was teaching a graduate class on social development, and I assigned You Can't Say You Can't Play as a reading in class, and the students loved it.

And they said, "You need to do a study and do this, have this rule in the classroom and see if it changes, you know, the life of the children."

We took Paley's book and made a program out of it.

Teachers didn't necessarily love this idea.

One teacher said, "I didn't like the rule.

I thought it was stupid and unfair to the children."

Okay, so that's where I was naive and I thought, "Wow," 'cause I thought it sounded so good.

[laughs] You know, but they hadn't heard her argument.

But that just, that shocked me, and that's when my eyes started opening up that this isn't gonna be an easy sell.

And then when I asked them after reading the book, "How if at all did you-- did your thinking about the idea change?"

And the teacher said, "I realized it could have a huge social impact if children were taught tolerance of others."

And I guess to me, I mean, that was exciting.

She had had this epiphany, but also thinking, "Why hadn't she thought that before?"

Vivian Paley wrote a fairy tale about a bird in the Kingdom of Tall Pines, and it's kind of woven in through her book.

I had introduced a fairy tale that I was making up called The Magpie Stories, and every day, I would read a short chapter that I had written.

This beautiful magpie bird discovers a hidden kingdom and brings lonely people to that idealized place where they are brought into the community.

We would read a segment of the fairy tale and then we would have discussion questions, and it would take six sessions to read the fairy tale.

And we would-- we'd kinda check their comprehension about the story.

What did this character do?

Why'd they do that?

And then talk about the feelings of the characters.

To believe in anything, the child must see it as part of a story.

Our brains are formed... to make a narrative out of everything.

[Amanda] "The girls were eager to play, too.

'Can we be sisters, Raymond, dragon sisters?'

Raymond hesitated a moment as if wondering whether or not he could trust Annabella and Alexandra to be in his game.

But when he saw they were Magpie's friends, he said, 'Sure.

Get down like this, and you have to make a noise like this when you're angry.'

Kashuush!

Like a fiery snort."

Do you guys wanna do that?

[Amanda & kids] Kashuush!

All right, I have some questions.

Who remembers what happened at school when Raymond tried to be nice and helpful?

What happened?

[gentle music playing] Um, uh, they think he did that mean stuff, but he was really trying to help them.

[Amanda] He was trying to help, and they acted like he was being mean.

Why do you think even though he was trying to be helpful, they thought that stuff that was accidental was really on purpose and mean?

He was trying to be nice, but they wouldn't let him.

[Amanda] That's right.

You know what?

They thought... -He was gonna be mean to them.

-[Amanda] That's right.

They thought he would be mean and not helpful.

But why did they think that?

Because he-- he was being mean the first time.

That's right.

He-- And-- and then he was being nice the second time.

[Amanda] That's right, but in their head, they kept thinking, "Naughty boy, mean boy, breaks the rules", and so they didn't give him a chance.

Sometimes kids have bad days, and they do stuff that makes you mad, and the next time you see 'em, you might remember that and think, "I don't wanna play with that person.

They were mean yesterday."

But you need to give 'em a chance, right?

'Cause they might be trying like Raymond.

So if you give somebody a chance, that's kind of a way of using the rule, right?

What's the rule?

You can't say you can't play.

[Terry] Can I just ask one quick question?

'Cause you just made me wonder, Miss Amanda.

Taylor, when you first came to school, when you came new to school, how did you feel when you came to our room?

-A little bit scared.

-A little bit scared.

Did people play with you?

[laughs] Only a little people.

And Justin, how did you feel when you came to this school?

-A little bit scared-- -And me.

And a little bit mad.

Uh-huh, that you had to come to a new school.

-Yeah.

And I was new.

-And then what happened?

-Um, I would have a new friend.

-Yeah.

How many new friends do you have?

19.

[laughs] Savannah, you were one of our very newest ones.

-[boy 4] You were shy.

-[overlapping speech] [Terry] And she was a little shy.

How did you feel about coming to Will Rogers?

-[boy 4] Shy.

-[boy 5] Maybe scared.

Little shy, a little nervous.

-[Terry] Yeah, nervous.

-[overlapping speech] -[boy 6] A little scared.

-[girl 4] Scared.

[Terry] We'll let her think about it.

Maybe we'll come back to her and ask her if she-- -Oh, what about Alkin?

-[Terry] And Alkin.

We can ask him that tomorrow.

-Thank you.

-He was a little shy.

-[girl 4] Maybe, maybe-- -[indistinct chatter] Okay, "action!"

Um, this is Magpie, and Magpie is a really good one, because he saves people.

He's nice.

He shares.

Magpie doesn't do mean stuff.

He plays with me... and he doesn't hit, push or shove.

I like Magpie because he was being nice.

I am Magpie.

[Terry] You know how 5 and 6-year-olds are.

They have their own idea of what happens, and when somebody else comes in and wants to do something different, it's hard.

Bailey and... [kids screaming] Lily said I can't play with them.

What?

I asked them if t-- if um, if I could-- if they wanted to play hide-and-go-seek, and they said no.

Oh.

Well, you were asking 'em if they wanted to play something you wanted to play.

Maybe you could play what they're playing.

Do you think that might work?

Why don't you go try it?

-Bailey.

-[Bailey] Yeah?

You wanna play hide-and-go-seek?

[indistinct shouting] Miss Varnell!

Bailey said no.

Bailey said no, what?

She didn't wanna play the game now.

-Whose game?

-My game.

Oh, wait a minute, Savannah.

What did we talk about?

Try their game for a little while.

You might see that you like it.

Yeah, but now they're not swinging.

[Terry] Oh.

[laughs] I don't know where they went.

[Terry] I don't either.

Go find 'em.

[kids screaming, chatting] Can I play, Lily?

Yeah, you should climb up on the horsey.

She said, yes.

Ah, I knew she would.

I knew she would.

[boy 7] Wait.

Slow down!

[Terry] So we talk about that, that sometimes you talk about it before you jump into it, and sometimes you have to work things out, and sometimes you don't always have it your way, but you don't ever leave anyone out, 'cause that doesn't feel very good at all.

No, no!

And when we're-- we're gonna pretend like we're making a video, and I'll tell you what to do in the video.

I realized that the way to study rejection in the classroom, classroom of children, is to study scenes.

I need three friends to be in it.

Okay.

Hmm?

Um, you two, okay?

[Terry] Justin, Savannah, and Heather.

-Yeah.

-Yes!

-Yeah!

-[Amanda] Okay.

But then there has to be a story about someone else playing and not being allowed to play that you study.

Okay?

And you're gonna pretend like this is a puppy's house, and say, "Oh, we're playing with puppies," and you're gonna walk up, and you're gonna say, um, "Hey, can I play puppies with you?"

And they're gonna say, "We don't really know you.

You're not our friend.

You can't play."

And then you're gonna walk away.

3, 2, 1.

Action.

Can I play?

Um, not really.

'Cause we don't know you, and you're not my friend.

[chuckles] -[boy 8] Aw.

-[Amanda] Freeze.

Okay, so sh-- they were playing with the pound puppies, the toys, having fun.

She walked up and said, "Can I play?"

-And what did she say?

-[boy 9] They said, "No."

-[girl 6] No.

-They said no.

Why?

[boy 9] You can't really play here.

You're not really my best friend.

Yeah, see, we don't-- She said, "We don't really know you.

You're not my friend.

I don't think so."

Okay, so let's-- let's, um-- Talk about how do you think that felt?

Sad.

Okay, now we're gonna replay.

3, 2, 1.

[Amanda & kids] Action!

Can I play?

No, but you-- you can.

[Amanda] Stop.

Okay, how do you think she felt this?

She's like, "Well, I don't really know you, but yeah, you can play."

How do you think she felt that time?

-[boy 10] Happy.

-[Amanda] Happy.

Because why?

Because she said, -"You can play".

-[Amanda] Yeah.

"But I don't know you, but you can still play."

And all of these build up over time to what the concept is of rejection.

It has to be seen as it plays out in all sorts of dramatic ways, because that's the way the child thinks.

3, 2, 1.

[kids] Action!

You can both play.

-You can both play.

-You can both play with us.

[Amanda] Stop.

Now, how do you think Jess felt this time?

[kids] Happy!

[Amanda] Okay, let's give 'em a hand.

-Take a bow.

-[kids cheer] All right.

Well, thank you.

You guys are-- you guys are doing great, and you know what?

When Magpie wakes up, I'm gonna tell him how great you did.

[Terry] Thank you, Miss Amanda.

-[boy 11] Wait.

-There, you're in line.

Good job.

Right here.

You're right by Mattai.

♪ Lining up is easy to do ♪ Lining up is easy to do ♪ If you take care of only you ♪ If you take care of only you [Terry] ♪ Feet together, hands to your side ♪ ♪ Feet together, hands to your side ♪ [Terry] ♪ We'll be quiet and walk with pride ♪ ♪ We'll be quiet and walk with pride ♪ [Terry] ♪ Sound off ♪ Sound off 4, 3, 2, 1.

Let's go.

I'm Michelle Schaecher.

I am the guidance counselor here.

And um, they come once every six days to guidance.

I teach social emotional skills, coping skills, self-esteem, all kinds of manners and friendship stuff.

Here are my kindergartners.

[indistinct speech] Who could show me how we would introduce I Care Cat to Alkin?

Ty, would you be able to introduce I Care Cat to Alkin?

-Uh... -[Michelle] Alkin?

Alkin, this is I Care Cat and-- -Hi-- -I Care Cat, this is Alkin.

[Michelle] Hm.

Well, you wanna shake his paw?

[boy 12] Oh, I do.

[Michelle] There we go.

Hello.

I would like to talk about our I Care rules.

We listen to each other.

-I know all the words.

-You know all of the words?

Well, let's talk about we listen to each other.

What does it mean that we listen to each other?

That-- that one person be quiet and one person talks.

And when the person is done, the other person talks and the other person uh, be quiet.

[Michelle] Robert, do you know what my third rule is?

Do we-- Do you know what it is?

"We use I Care language."

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

Use I Care language with I Care Cat.

-[Robert] Uh, hey-- -Hey, Robert.

Hey, I Care Cat, uh, do you wanna play with me?

Oh, is that I Care language?

-[kids] Yes.

-Oh, very good.

You know, it is so important to teach kids about, um, coping skills and simple conflict resolution.

I'm gonna tell 'em how I felt.

I'm gonna tell 'em, um, what they did that upset me.

I'm gonna tell 'em what I want them to do from now on.

And then the fourth step is what will happen if it continues, and that's when it gets into bullying.

From the playground they may come in and say, you know, "Um, so and so won't play with me.

They don't wanna be my friend.

They're bullying me."

And so we come in, we use the four-step plan.

Both kids sit down, and this kid might say, "When I asked you to jump rope with me today, um, and you went and played with so and so, that hurt my feelings."

And the other kid may say, "I didn't even hear you ask."

And so there's a chance to show kids at a young age how we solve conflicts in a non-violent way, how we can use our words, how we can talk things out before they get to a point where we can't solve 'em.

Mrs.

Schaecher will tell you goodbye on the way out, -all right?

-[Savannah] Mm-hmm.

Let's have-- let's have our back row go line up first.

Bethany, you're the leader.

[Megan] We train the children in conflict management, and that's along with the guidance class.

They learn how you solve a problem.

They can tell you the steps in s-- uh, solving conflicts, and I know lots of adults that don't have those skills.

And we're teaching them to the children, and I-- I think that's very powerful.

Teaching guidance from an early age.

And since this is an elementary school, we need to start that from the bottom and work our way up.

To teach them tolerance, to teach them acceptance.

Yes, I might accept you as, you know, I might not change my mind about things, but I can still accept you as who you are.

And that's-- that's a great thing.

Uh, if we can reach that level at this young age, it'll probably go a long way with them in life.

-Hi, Sam.

-[Sam] Hi.

How you doing?

How was your day?

-Good, good.

-Get in these arms.

[grunts] So, hon, what do you wanna do today?

You know, the thing is about kindergarten, kindergarten is not really about, you know, learning your-- you know, math equations or about math or science or things.

It's really how to get along with other children, and I like that.

And Miss Varnell has that-- has that mastered.

She understands that.

And um, you know, Sam has learned-- He tell-- he comes home and he doesn't tell me about what he's learned to read or his math skills.

He talks about um, who his friends are and what he's done today.

And how they've treated each other is really an underlying current through his conversation with me about his interactions at school.

Which is a great foundation on which to build his first, second, his other elementary school classes.

Mattai, out of the curtains.

You know, we-- we transferred Ty in to the school.

He kinda came into it struggling a little bit.

None of us were really sure what the struggle was.

But uh, you know, as the year went on, it became really clear that it was an issue of self-confidence.

[boy 13] So everyone-- Here, Ty, let's brush your hair.

Toby, come and brush your hair.

The notion that you can sort of teach in an environment that is not conducive to learning is-- is absurd.

He's doing things at this point this year that I never thought last year.

I mean, I thought it was gonna take forever to get to.

[tap running] There you are, handsome boy.

Love you.

I thought, um, there-- there is no way-- I mean, that-- that school is just simply gonna be a struggle for him for the rest of his life.

And-- and it's not.

I mean, he's excited about reading.

He's excited about learning.

He's excited about getting up and going to school every morning, and that is because of the social environment.

[unzips bag] Okay, guys, please get your backpacks.

You ready to go?

[Mattai's mother] In order to create citizens of this world that move forward in-- in as a peaceful society, you know, you have to teach these things early.

You have to teach the skills of non-violent conflict resolution.

You know, those don't come naturally.

You know, you have to-- you have to teach, you know, democratic or egalitarian processes in the classroom.

Mattai.

I love you.

You have a good day at school, okay, bub?

[Terry] We're not just teaching anymore.

We are raising children.

I have 'em eight hours a day.

I mean, they're-- they're-- they're with us eight hours a day.

I'm with 'em more than their parents are when we're here during the school year.

I've got to teach 'em all of these social and emotional things.

And I need to do that first before I teach curriculum.

I feel real strongly about that.

I'm teaching 'em manners, I'm teaching 'em to say please and thank you, I'm teaching 'em bathroom habits, I'm teaching them how to eat without their food showing when they talk, without-- You know, all the things that you teach at the dinner table.

Parents are busy.

They're two jobs, they're working.

It's-- it's harder.

My kids academically, we're on-- we're okay.

I don't want anyone to think that I don't teach things in my classroom, because I do.

[laughs] And I have things that I'm accountable for myself.

My kids are learning things, but I think it's because they feel safe in here and it's a good place to be.

[children chattering] [Terry] Friends, if you will line up quietly, please.

Brian, it looks like we have a little mess to clean up.

[children chattering, squealing] -You are a special friend.

-[Bethany] You too.

Thank you, Bethany.

My shoe.

[Terry] If you want 'em to learn, there has to be a relationship.

I think bottom line, if I don't show these kids that I love 'em, even though I'm hard on 'em and I have real high expectations of 'em, they know if nothing else at the end of the day that I love 'em.

What was so funny out there?

[overlapping speech] A girl, she was-- she was behind us and like Ryan and his shoe fell off and like, she was still video taping.

-That is funny.

-Yeah.

I had an idea of how we could practice saying this one more time.

So what I want you to do is turn and face-- Is it backwards?

Face the-- face the middle of the carpet.

"You can't say you can't play."

[Amanda] We found out that actually in the classrooms that had the rule, at the end of the year the mean, um, ratings for how much they liked everybody in the class went up.

So if you-- you say you have a picture of all the kids in the class, how much do you like this child on a one to three scale and so on, the liking level went up in the classrooms relative to the classrooms that didn't have the rule.

The-- the idea of having a rule, you can't say you can't play, on the surface it's a way of structuring who plays with whom, but there's something I think deeper to it that you're teaching the kids.

I believe that if we, if we all work together, and even in a whole school system that in a school it would be interesting to see.

'Cause I think if we all taught you can't say you can't play, I wonder what the fifth graders would do.

There would be less bullying if everybody went to Miss Varnell's class.

Like when people are left out, they s-- they-- they tend to um, not-- They don't wanna be with their friends, and that can really disrupt it, because if you're in groups doing something, doing something, then they're just gonna be depressed.

If you're feeling left out, then it'll take up like 80% of your brain space.

So that's all you can think about is "What's gonna happen next.

Who's gonna bully you next?

Am I gonna have any fun in my life?"

And you can't focus really.

[boy 14] There.

You got me!

[indistinct chatter] [boy 15] Hey, my feet are cold, too.

[Terry] And every day they come in and we hug, and every day when they leave, we hug.

I-- I'll get in trouble one of these days for telling them I love 'em every day.

But... [laughs] They'll have to fire me for that one.

You can print that.

[laughs] Let me-- Savannah's, and that might help.

Okay, let me help you, Savannah.

Here, here, let me help you.

Here we go.

Ready?

Let me show-- hold onto this.

Whoa, sorry.

-You gotta hold onto this.

-[boy 7] I can do this.

-I can do this.

-Thank you.

[boy 7] Um, I can do this.

Is the whole reason for organizing the human into social groups friendship and love?

Is that what it's all about?

Is that what we're really seeking from the beginning, even though we don't know how-- how to frame it?

Hey, Jeffrey, wanna be my best friend?

I-- I have Power Rangers at my home.

I have... [indistinct speech] Yeah, yeah, you could-- you could get to have the red one.

You can have the red one.

I don't-- [Vivian] I'm willing to believe that we humans are so structured that we ourselves feel the greatest... physical and emotional gain that comes out of an act of kindness... and not out of an act of cruelty.

Jacob!

Jacob!

You're gonna keep it here?

I don't-- I don't know.

-[indistinct chatter] -[roaring] I'll save you guys.

[making buzzing noise] [indistinct chatter] Now when you be nice to people and you try to help 'em, they start to grow up to be your friend.

Hey, Ms.

Cresinda.

Hi.

-[background chatter] -[Megan gasps] Oh my gosh.

-Shh.

[kid] Ms.

Matthews!

-Look.

-[Terry] Who is that?

[kids] Ms.

Matthews!

I heard you guys are doing so awesome and that everybody is reading.

-[gasps] -[girl 8] And writing.

-And writing?

-[Terry] And writing.

Oh my gosh, I am so impressed.

People aren't getting that the reason some of our schools are failing is because of lack of acceptance, and people truly understanding and putting into practice that.

You can't just say it.

You have to in everything you do believe it.

Because believe me, if you as a teacher do not model that and do that in your classroom, I don't care how many times you tell 'em the phrase, they know it's not legitimate, that you don't believe it.

You must believe it to your core.

Bye-bye.

Oh, I do wanna see it.

What did you draw today?

[background chatter] Let's see.

[gasps] Ooh.

This is a tornado.

This is a rainbow.

Whoa.

So tell me about it.

Um, the tornado, the tornado turn around then, the rainbow come out water.

[Terry] Whoa.

So after the tornado comes the rainbow.

I love that, Justin.

-And did you write the date?

-Mm-hmm.

-All by myself.

-All by yourself.

I love that.

I love that.

From uh, my perspective as a mother who is uh, not from this country originally, and but my kids were born here, to feel that, uh, everybody's welcoming them, everybody, uh, can invite them for a game or invite them over their house without uh, I guess the uh, looking at where they come from or what they look like, it's very important to me.

You know what?

Dylan just asked if we could read our book really quick.

Can we do our book really quick?

What is it?

[Terry] Our Don't Laugh At Me book.

-Would you like to sing that?

-[kids] Yeah.

Yeah!

All right.

Who can tell-- You know what?

I don't think all of our friends have heard this book.

Uh, who can tell-- so tell me, somebody tell us what this book is about.

-Dylan?

-Don't Laugh At-- Don't-- don't laugh at people even if they don't look good or not.

What else, Lily?

If you like laugh at-- at other people when they're talking at the stage, then that makes them very sad and mad.

Yes.

And people still laugh at them-- [girl 9] It does.

And you made a mistake.

She just made a little mistake, but we don't laugh at people's mistakes either, do we?

-Who makes mistakes?

-Everybody.

[Terry laughs] Everybody.

I make 'em every day.

And my brother Gage does it, too.

[whispers] Everybody, ready?

♪ I'm a little boy with glasses ♪ ♪ One big ugly geek ♪ A little girl who never smiles 'cause I got... ♪ [Terry] I create or try to create a family here.

This is the family for the year, but I don't even think of it as a year.

These kids are my kids for a lifetime.

-You know that.

-[Amanda] Mm-hmm.

[laughs] [Terry] They're-- they're mine forever, and-- and it's a family, and we don't ever exclude any part of our family.

It's always included.

It's a very deeper level that we are always taking care of each other, holding hands, sharing, taking turns.

[Terry & kids] ♪ Don't laugh at me ♪ Don't call me names ♪ Don't get your pleasure from my pain ♪ ♪ In God's eyes, we are all the same ♪ ♪ Someday we'll all have perfect wings ♪ ♪ Don't laugh at me [Terry] There's no magic serum.

There's no magic spell.

It's-- it's just getting those kids to know, you take care of yourself, you take care of each other, and then we can take care of the rest of the world.

Absolutely.

[cheerful music playing] [teacher] Good.

Bailey, you should go this way please.

[indistinct chatter] [kid cheers] [teacher] Now when I say up, you have to keep walking.

[Vivian] It comes down t one person at a time being nice to one other person at a time.

Ready, go.

[laughing] [Vivian] Kindness comes to mean letting someone play.

[teacher] Slow.

-Ready and up.

-[kids squeal] [Terry] My children in here will say, "I have 19 friends."

Everybody's friends with everybody always.

That if we can keep going like that, wouldn't it be a better place?

The whole world would be a better place.

-[teacher] Up.

-[kids] Up.

[screaming] [teacher] Up!

And pull under and sit on it.

[Vivian] For those who learn the excitement of bringing justice to a group, there's no more powerful feeling.

You can see that in a classroom.

It's worth going after.

[upbeat music playing] Up.

Let go!

[screaming] ♪ Shine on all my people who've been broken-hearted ♪ ♪ Shine on from the place where all life had been started ♪ ♪ When you need fresh air ♪ Go beyond horizons to your place in the sun ♪ ♪ Shine on ♪ Let your heart be boundless like your faith in the one ♪ ♪ It's crazy, crazy, crazy ♪ Don't tell me that you don't care ♪ ♪ It's crazy, crazy, crazy ♪ No stopping of this warfare ♪ It's crazy, crazy, crazy ♪ We're breathing in the same air ♪ -♪ It's crazy, crazy, crazy -[Terry] Justin.

-Hi.

-[Terry] Oh my goodness.

-Oh, my Lord.

-[Terry] Oh.

It's been so long.

-So good to see you.

-Oh my gosh.

Look at you.

You look amazing.

I can't believe it's you.

[Justin] It's just so good to see you.

-Oh, good to see you, too.

-How have y'all been?

I'm gonna be 18 in August of this year, so yeah.

Oh, I can't believe it.

-I can't believe it.

-Yeah.

We are so thrilled to have you.

-Oh.

Yeah.

-[Justin] So glad.

So, you too.

You-- so now you know where we are, right?

And I gotta tell you something, Justin.

When you graduate from high school and you walk down these hallways-- -[Terry] Oh, we'll be here.

-Yep.

-We will be here.

Okay?

-I sure am waiting for that.

With our pompoms, yup.

Sure am waiting for that.

And so we're gonna go, "Justin!"

You come here to Will Rogers-- And say, "That's where I went."

-I will.

I will.

Sure will.

-[laughs] ♪ No sister worth less than any brother ♪ ♪ No life's worth more than any other ♪ ♪ No sister worth less than any brother ♪ ♪ No life's worth more than any other ♪ ♪ No sister worth less than any brother ♪ ♪ It's crazy, crazy, crazy ♪ Don't tell me that you don't care ♪ ♪ It's crazy, crazy, crazy ♪ No stopping of this warfare ♪ It's crazy, crazy, crazy ♪ We're breathing in the same air ♪ ♪ It's crazy, crazy, crazy ♪ Don't tell me that you don't care ♪ ♪ You don't care ♪ No stopping of this warfare ♪ You don't care ♪ Somebody please send us a prayer ♪