- [Keith] Dear Ani, if you're reading this, it's a miracle.

But those happen all the time.

(intense music) - [Speaker] Any memories, impressions, feelings, thoughts about this guy, Keith Wasserman.

- Hi.

I'm Keith.

- [Jerry] I never, in all my years working with artists have ever heard a story like this.

- [Keith] From theater in a space to theater in the world.

This is my- - [Director] Recording.

- [Keith] True story.

- [Audio] Is it that?

Is it that?

Is it that?

♪ I hope you like it (gentle music) - When I was a college student, my professor put a book in my hands, and the book was called "Letters to a Young Poet" by Rainer Maria Rilke.

And in the book, he talks about the need to be in isolation and get really still so that you can fully know yourself and become an artist.

And so I decided to take a semester off from college, and move up to a cabin by a lake in Northern Maine, and try to find my voice and write my great novel.

Of course, when I got up there, totally froze.

What story do I have to tell?

And rather than writing, every day I would go to the edge of the lake, and I would sit in this folding lawn chair, and I would stare out over the water, and I would say to the universe, "I believe in your magic and your majesty.

Just show me a sign.

Send me a story worth telling."

A few days after that, I got a package in the mail from this person whom I really was no more than an acquaintance with.

And in the package was a mix tape of Ani DiFranco, a name I had literally never heard of.

(light music) Suffice it to say, this tape changed the course of my life.

(dramatic music) - I'm Kurt Loder with MTV News, New York singer and songwriter Ani DiFranco says record companies have been nipping at her heels for years now, but she's still happy right where she is on Righteous Babe Records, the little label she started on her own when she was 18-years-old.

Unencumbered by producers and publicists, DiFranco gets to be her folk, punky, bisexual self on record and to communicate with her fans, of whom there are a growing and devoted number, directly.

- So I immediately jump in the car, throw the tape in the cassette player, and head off into the windy roads of Northern Maine, beautiful fall foliage all around.

And I'm listening to the tape.

(Keith imitating music) It was the song "Asking Too Much."

♪ I want somebody who sees the pointlessness ♪ ♪ And still keeps their purpose in mind ♪ ♪ I want somebody who has a tortured soul ♪ ♪ Some of the time ♪ I want somebody who will either put out for me ♪ ♪ Or put me outta my misery ♪ Or maybe just put it all the words and make me go ♪ ♪ You know, I never heard it put that way ♪ ♪ Make me go, what did you just say ♪ - And I heard that song, and I thought, okay, I can do that.

And I wrote a 14=page letter to Ani DiFranco about the nature of cosmic coincidence, and suggested that we become pen pals.

Two months later, on the day before I left Maine to return to New York City and go back to my life, when I went to return the PO Box key to the mail, to the post office, I got my last piece of mail, a Green Seasons greeting holiday postcard from Ani DiFranco with five words written on it.

"Stay the (beeps) away from me."

(Keith laughing) And that's it.

Let's just like let that linger.

Oh my God, what did it say?

What did it say, right?

- [Director] Okay, well, why don't you do a version where you actually say what the letter said.

- Well, the thing is that what it said was, "Thanks for thinking, the world is a lot."

Which was a line from the letter buried deep on page eight.

So I knew she read it, and it was game on.

Two days after Christmas, I got on a Greyhound bus headed for New York City.

(light music) And New York City has such an energy and a pace, and I had been sitting still for so long that it was like energy just started pouring out of me.

At that point, I hadn't slept in about two days.

While I was living in Maine, I was reading a lot of books about mysticism and shamanism, and the whole idea of having a vision quest in which you return from the wilderness with the magical elixir to share with the community.

And when that happens, the community throws you a party to celebrate your return, to honor the fact that the boy has become a man, that you've tackled your demons, and you've chased your bliss, and you have emerged successful.

And as I began to experience this manic psychotic episode as a vision quest, I was looking for the party.

Where was I gonna end up?

Who was gonna be there?

Was Ani gonna be there?

Were my parents invited?

But I was looking for the party everywhere I went.

And everywhere I went, I felt like I was getting closer to it.

And with all of this fervor and energy, I started walking up the avenue looking for this party.

I remember seeing somebody with a guitar walking into an apartment building.

Ooh, well, that must be where the party is.

The next thing I know, the very nice doorman is tapping me on the shoulder.

Apparently I'm scaring the people who live in the apartment building, and he's been getting calls that there's a young man crawling on his hands and knees, listening under the door of people's apartments for music, all while laughing hysterically and singing songs to himself.

So the police come and say to me, "Do you think you want to come with us?"

It's like, "Listen, if you guys want me to come with you, I'll come with you, but I don't know if I should come with you.

But if you tell me I should, then I will."

The officers put me in the back of their cruiser, and I pass by the sign Bellevue Hospital.

What do you suppose is the name of the street that I grew up on?

Bellevue Road.

So when I saw Bellevue, I thought, oh my gosh, I'm going home.

I jump out of the car and run straight into the emergency room, where I would sign myself in under a fake name.

They put me in a room, and I remember getting up onto the bed and slipping my hands into the restraint cuffs.

It's in that moment that I realize, this is my story.

Sort of five years until my next manic episode, when the album To The Teeth came out.

It was about 96 hours since I slept, and I was listening to the record for the 50th time, but this time there was a line.

"And the angels were on hand to stand in for everything."

And I remembered that there was this whole riff in the letter that I had sent her five years ago about angels.

And all of a sudden I started to hear reference after reference in her music to my letter.

And I thought, holy (beeps).

Has Ani DiFranco been trying to write back?

- He's a musician slash, as I soon found out, Renaissance man.

And this guy, not only is he talent, but he is out there.

- You dog.

- [Jerry] He's so out there that he's delusional.

- I believed Ani was writing to me through the lyrics of her songs, and I responded in kind by sending her music and elaborate packages of art mail.

- [Jerry] It's not normal to spend, you know, weeks and weeks, hours and hours, creating a package of layered, interactive mixed media CD's based on her songs.

And, you know, I'm sitting there, I'm thinking, I've never experienced anybody like this.

This guy's passion went beyond anybody I've ever met in terms of trying to reach out to this famous musician in a way that was completely from the heart, mind, soul, that became like his muse.

And he had this belief that she was talking and writing lyrics to him based on his amazing gifts.

Staying up for days at a time, kind of cathartic creativity that his brain would not let him relax.

What was the end game of this?

- In 2010, as I was drawing out in the hospital from my recent manic psychotic episode, whether it's a good idea or not, I was listening to a lot of Ani DiFranco.

(Keith laughs) And one of her lyrics caught my attention, the one that goes, "People used to make records, as in a record of an event, the event of people making music in a room."

And I thought that would be a cool thing to do.

Up to this point, she's only heard songs with my voice and a guitar, and she's never really seen me.

What if I were to put a band together and record a film in one take to make music your room?

♪ I wanna get inside your head ♪ To understand your heart ♪ I wanna make you pick your skin ♪ ♪ And tear your flesh apart - He has this magnetic pull through his personality.

- Keith has this unique ability to get you to work on a project when you really don't even know the purpose of the project.

♪ Down here in the- - I think with the see through film, it wasn't until I saw the box that I really understood what the intention was.

- It was the size of a cigar box, but designed to look like a novel.

There was a lock on the box, and the key to the lock was hidden in a sleeve that you had to discover by following a twine that was wrapped around.

When you finally get there and you open up the box, it has a false bottom.

You actually have to lift up the bottom of the box to discover what's inside.

And when you do, it's a DVD.

- I remember looking at that box and realizing that this was all for Ani.

This was all for an audience of one.

I was never gonna get to see her reaction.

I was never gonna even know if she ever watched it.

And Keith didn't care.

It didn't matter.

- In 2012, Ani DiFranco was coming to Boston to play a show at the Orpheum Theater.

(bubbly music) Because of some random lyric of hers, I thought that the appropriate time to show up would be five o'clock in the morning.

Of course, the moment you approach the tour bus at five o'clock in the mornings idling behind the theater, you think to yourself, what the am I doing here?

(Keith laughs) This is ridiculous.

What am I hoping to accomplish?

This is a ridiculousness based on a fiction, which is based on a delusion rooted in fantasy.

Just leave, go home.

So at 12:31, I return to the theater.

And at this point now there's ropes set up, and I get over to where everybody else is standing.

And sure enough, this woman who I recognize as the mistress of merchandising, Heidi.

She walks over to me and she says, "Are you Keith?"

And I said, "Yeah."

And she said, "Oh, good, listen, Ani really wants to meet you, but the thing is, she's lost her voice."

And I say, "Oh, well, oh my God.

I mean, come on, don't make any trouble over me.

You know, I don't wanna cause it."

"No, no, no, no, no," she says.

"Just wait here, just wait here."

I said, "Okay."

I mean, now I know.

Now I know that Ani wants to meet me, and I'm standing there and I'm waiting.

And Heidi comes back over and she says, "Okay, come on, come on."

And I'm walking towards the bus and along the side of the bus, and the door opens, and Ani comes out.

She gives me a little wave.

And we approach, and we approach, and we approach.

And before I know it, she's just hugging me, and I'm just hugging her.

And it's just so, you know, (Keith snaps) deep, and cool, and yeah.

And we back away, and she pulls that little note.

And I read the note.

And the thing is that I didn't wanna stand there like staring at the note.

I mean, I'm scanning it, and I'm looking, and I'm scanning it, and I get the gist of it.

And now thinking about what to do next.

I feel like the obvious thing to do, you know, for the sake of theater is to crumble up the note and eat it.

And no words were spoken.

And then the cab pulled up, and she got in and drove off.

(upbeat music) I was sort of thinking about flow state as another way to sort of say mastery.

Flow state, jazz musicians are just in the flow state.

And I was thinking about with jazz musicians, you know, there is the lexicon, there's the language, there's the vocabulary, there's the structure, and you can like free out within that.

And then I was thinking about mania, or my mania, where it's almost like a flow state.

- [Glen] Yeah.

- [Keith] And over the 20 years- - [Glen] Right.

- I have built a lexicon, a vocabulary, a symbology, a catalog of imagery.

It is my connection.

It is my gateway drug into one love, into universal consciousness, into the God spark within me, into the the sefirot to the Kabbalah tree of life working the energy up.

There's this thing called the deep wink.

And I have always felt that Ani and I connected inside this deep wink, and it was all unspoken, and it was all referential, second level subtextual stuff.

But for me, I have always wanted to say, let's talk about it.

Let's bring that subtextual, meta referential stuff up to the surface, and chop it up, and cut it around, and make jokes, and laugh, and say, "Oh God, you did that, and I did that.

Then ha and ha!"

But that's only works if it's true, and I have no idea whether it's true.

One day after having met her on the street, she was back in Boston.

So it was a year or two later.

And as I approached the stage door, wouldn't you know, she and a friend were returning to the stage door, maybe from lunch.

And there we were coincidentally arriving at the stage door at the same moment.

And I mean, I tried to hold in my like (Keith gasps).

Because as soon as she saw me see her, I was like, uh-oh, I don't think she wants to see me.

And then she said to me, "Why me?

Why am I the benefactor of all this love and art making?"

And I sort of didn't know what to say because don't you know?

Didn't you, haven't we, isn't it?

I thought that.

It's like that line from the Matrix where Morpheus says, "I had a dream.

That dream has left me now."

(Keith laughs) I've come to understand that moment differently through the years, but it was like having the wind taken out of you in a moment.

And I realized that I wasn't gonna be invited backstage.

This wasn't the party.

This was actually like, I don't understand why you're doing this.

So I fumbled through something like, "Well, I can't tell you now, you know, in 30 seconds standing outside the stage door.

But you know, giving is for the giver, and the receiver is just extra."

She's like, "Ah, okay, all right.

Well, you know, enjoy the show."

And she was gone.

And I was crushed until I wasn't.

(gentle music) In 2015, I got an email (email dings) saying, "Hey, this is Ani DiFranco.

Thanks for all the art you've sent me over the years.

I'm gonna be in your neck of the woods.

Would you like to come after a show and hang out?"

Words that I had longed to hear for 20 years.

- At the time that he, you know, had the whole trip about Ani DiFranco, I was like, this, you know, this guy is like in a dream world.

Like this is not gonna happen.

This is not happening.

This is not true.

You're imagining things.

And I mean, I've kinda held that thought belief up until when they started to actually communicate with one another, became friends where I was like, holy (beeps).

- As soon as that happened, my entire attitude changed about Keith.

I admired Keith all of a sudden.

He kind of, he brought me to a different level of possibilities.

- Well, it's been over 20 years, but in about two weeks, Ani DiFranco is coming over to participate in this film, to hang out, to share her experience of what this all was.

We're gonna have the party that I've always been hoping for.

(guitar playing) ♪ I'll be your biggest fan ♪ I'll be your fool ♪ I'll be your exception ♪ Do whatever the rules.

- For many years I was intimidated by the intensity of his, you know, love that he was pouring back at me from the ether.

I don't think I have nearly the memories that he does.

- If it's okay with you, I actually wanted to start by asking you a broad question.

- [Ani] Yeah.

- What's your relationship like with fans?

- Right from the beginning I had super fans, right?

You know, I guess when I just had very few listeners at all.

In the beginning, I was like, whoa, why is this happening to me?

Why is this coming at me?

And then I realized, oh, (Ani laughs) because I'm doing that too, coming very intensely at the world.

There was a time in the late 90s and early aughts that it was too much.

It was just like, I was a symbol that represented something, and they were there, you know, with no awareness of my humanity or, and no real, you know, it was like souvenir.

They wanted a thing, or a thing, or a thing, or more things.

I sort of felt just constantly eviscerated, and drained, and disregarded.

And you know, of course there's people who do give back, not just want, and want, and want more.

- Do you have a memory of the first time Keith was on your radar?

- I believe that his artwork hit my radar at some point early on 'cause it's so exceptional, you know, that the beauty of his offerings.

Again, though, like how many hours went into constructing this very detailed?

And the experience, and you open it, and the thing comes out, and then that thing like grows into a thing, and- - I happen to have one right here.

(Ani laughs) - Yeah.

(gentle music) You know, I think when these types of things, beautiful works of art, it was like, oh, this is that same person as that other thing from.

And then he, I don't know if he had just intuited that sending to the office is not the quick.

So things would come to venues, and they would arrive the day before.

Like he'd know, and they would care of.

And so I'd walk into a dressing room, and there would be a thing.

It's like, oh, there's that guy again.

My friend Heidi, who is my mistress of merch, she became aware of Keith and who this artist actually is, and when they're turning up.

And swear, I think my first memory of meeting Keith, I was sick as a dog, but I think it was Heidi who said, "You know, Keith is outside the bus."

And I was like, (beeps) I'm gonna go say hi to this crazy person.

And, but I couldn't say hi 'cause I couldn't talk.

I couldn't say anything.

I went out and I wrote a note.

I can't talk and I can't do the show tonight.

Thank you, you know, I don't know, for all the gifts.

And then he took it, and he crumbled it up, and he ate it.

(Ani laughs) The note.

Ever memorable is he.

I would say the messages, I heard them along the way, and they told me that he was really hearing my music.

He would say little messages back to the little messages I send out in songs.

I felt seen, you know, and heard.

He's right, you know?

He's right.

I was talking to him.

And it's not true in the context that he was devising, but it's true, very true in another way, like I am very much talking right to anyone who chooses to listen or has the ears to hear what I'm saying.

And there is a relationship there that exists in the ether, and it is intimate.

You know, I agree with all of that.

On some level, maybe we are meeting in our dreams.

Maybe we do know each other.

Maybe we are having a conversation.

On some level, I believe, yes, that's what I'm doing with my art.

That doesn't mean you should turn up in my bedroom.

I had a bipolar, I mean maybe schizophrenic, or whatever person turn up in my bedroom.

- A stranger.

- A stranger.

- Did you ever feel threatened by Keith?

- I remember my Heidi had tipped me that he was coming.

So I put this poem Parameters that I wrote about that experience of having a fan wait for me, and break into my house, and wait for me to come home alone, and be upstairs in my bedroom in the dark between me and the door for a perilous amount of time.

A dude, you know, who knew very clearly that we had been speaking through my songs and that I had called him.

I put that poem on the set list, and I just remember delivering the poem to Keith.

That was actually me speaking directly to Keith Wasserman from stage saying, this is why I don't write you back.

I feel the expectation is building, and I need you to understand.

Little poem called Parameters.

33 years go by, and not once do you come home to find a man sitting in your bedroom, that is a man you don't know who came a long way to deliver one very specific message.

Lock your back door, you idiot.

However invincible you imagine yourself to be- I do remember when his packages started to include the word or images of a wife and then daughter.

And that, (Ani exhales) you know, I just felt, okay.

I think that was when I considered opening the door.

And then I did.

♪ You gotta meet my little girl ♪ ♪ She's really just so sweet ♪ Love the pitter-patter of her precious little feet ♪ - Yeah, so finally we met, and that was fantastic.

We had a little visit after a show one night when I finally just put down the drawbridge.

(Ani laughs) And he crossed over and we hung out.

And of course he's completely captivating and charming.

And he bestowed his magic upon my kids.

You know, we went and visited, and he had constructed this treasure hunt on the beautiful property that they were living on.

And I don't know if my kids appreciated it nearly as much as me, but you know, that's the kind of magic that doesn't exist in everyone and doesn't come along every day.

(light music) - When Ani DiFranco first emailed me, she said something like, "You've given me so much over the years.

Is there anything that I can give you in return?"

And I said, "Really, the only thing I want is time to tell you this epic story that I have, which would explain and maybe help you make sense of why I've been sending you this art for 20 years."

Of course, it was the story of my manic episodes, but we never really found that time.

And several years later, I had another manic episode, and during that episode, I thought that Ani was trying to reach out to me.

I thought she was trying to call me.

And so I decided I'd call her instead.

I mean, I have her number.

We've been on the phone.

Except it was three o'clock in the morning.

And the next day my wife got a voicemail from Ani DiFranco.

- Hey Heidi, it's Ani calling.

Um, hi.

So last night at like three in the morning, I get a few texts in series from Keith saying something or other and then call me.

I'm not sure what's happening, but if there's anything I can do to help, let me know.

Yeah, no, I just felt empathy because this is my friend now who is in trouble.

If I didn't have like a lot of experience with mania, maybe I would've gotten more freaked out.

But for me it's like, ah, he needs to be tied to the earth.

Those are my favorite people often, you know, people who create their own worlds.

Those are most artists.

I feel like I can relate very much.

I feel way more than I want to feel most of the time.

And there's a price.

You know, it's a great gift.

You can put beauty and magic in the world, and you can amplify being alive for people around you.

And you can set people free, and you pay a price, you know?

So I understand.

It's like, yes, if anything, I just felt empathy.

Empathy, not sympathy.

I felt empathy for the price that you have to pay when you're that guy.

(gentle music) - I thought I would bring my stuff and stuffs, and we could collage, and we could paint.

There was this piece where somebody might see something that I made before I sent it and would wanna know, like, "Oh, have you ever heard back?

Have you ever da, da?"

I'm like, "No, it's, you know."

"Well, how can you?"

It's like it's really more about the work.

And personally, I feel like each album that I made got better.

Each artwork that I made got better, more interesting, more fun.

And if I was ever going to actually excite you, impress you, and you know, tickle your fancy, pique your interest, it was gonna be through the work.

That was sort of my feeling.

And the decade or more of like, oh, not yet.

I haven't heard yet.

I haven't heard back yet.

- Haven't heard back yet.

- Was like, okay, I gotta keep working.

- [Ani] Not stopping.

- I gotta keep working.

- Love it.

I love it.

That's so freaking cool.

- Gotta keep working.

Right, it's getting better.

And you know, like in my own brain, I would hear encouragement.

I would hear, I dig it, I wanna, I can't, you know?

- I know she loved that one.

- Yeah.

- God, it's kind of blowing my mind all over again.

- Yay.

- All the lengths you went to.

- That was the idea.

You know, I was like, how do you blow someone's mind?

I wanna figure out how to blow someone's mind.

- No, you did, you did.

You succeeded.

- Awesome.

- I met a lot of people who have big dreams but don't know how to reach them.

Keith, he knows how to reach his dreams.

- His agendas were not about the art world.

Yes, he wanted to be successful as an artist, but his agenda was about communicating with Ani as an equal and as a friend.

And I didn't think it was possible and many people didn't, but Keith made that happen.

And after that I wanted to just join Keith.

- I'm not a jealous person and I'm not threatened.

I trust in his love for me.

And yet I know that he has a deep, deep love for Ani, and so do I. I mean, I really respect the lessons she's given him.

I think she's made him a better man.

And I just want him to live his life to the fullest, and I wanna be part of that journey with him.

- I actually believe in magic.

It's like whatever he was imagining was real in 1998, has become real in the world.

And whether it was actually real then or not, he made it real or it became real.

And that's the miracle.

That's the magic.

And we're right here in the middle of it.

♪ The depths of ever rest.

(gentle music) - We are about to film me watching Ani's interview for the first time.

I have been prepared for various balloons to go.

(Keith exhaling) ♪ I'm so lucky to be home- - [Phone] Yeah.

That's a funny way to put it.

Hello?

- Sorry, the balloon was still emptying out there.

(person on phone laughing) ♪ We've been all the way around ♪ ♪ And come back to love anew ♪ And I am so lucky to be home with you ♪ - Look guys, if I get a cease and desist letter, I'll totally stop, right?

- Cease collaging in my direction.

- Yeah.

- Or I'll have you arrested.

- Please join us next week for our regularly scheduled program of Keith has a hypomanic episode.

(Keith laughs) Thank you for coming and get home safely.